It has hit me once again that Zen is not an improvement project. I so resist this. I really want to believe that Zen meditation and mindfulness will make me a happier and improved version of myself (don’t all the magazines say so?). I feel I’ve become less anxious, less hyper-vigilant and I’ve definitely matured. But am I a better person? I think, no. And I’ve been at this for like 8 years (baby years in the Zen world). So, there ya go. My full endorsement! Practice meditation. Accomplish nothing. Which, I just absolutely love, by the way. Because, accomplishing nothing, in a culture that is always trying to commodify your energy and attention, is radical and amazing.
And ok, there is some kind of accomplishment there. One could argue. After all, would I really keep coming back to staring at a wall over and over again, for…nothing? Maybe! There is something kind of hilarious about that… (Person of Interest: So, Robin, what were you up to for the last half hour? Me: I stared at a wall and attempted to follow the rising and passing of phenomena! Person of Interest: Slowly backs away.) But, ok, if I were forced to say that I’ve accomplished something, it would have to be the slow and gradual release of this very tight grip I’ve had on my life (a.k.a. this crazy and very delusional idea that I can control everything). Important to note - I still really haven’t accomplished this (see mention of resistance in first paragraph). I probably never will. So it’s a good thing I like this practice and I’m in it for the long haul.
(What I'm listening to right now: Washed Out: Floating By)