2017: Top Nine

I do not waste my time on resolutions anymore and quite frankly, I'm rather ambivalent about setting intentions these days. But I do like and value reflection. I was inspired by Sas Petherick's Top Nine and something she said recently:

"It is an act of revolution to ignore every single invitation to create a 'new you' this New Year."

So, in that spirit, I offer you my Top Nine of 2017. Happy New Year, friends and loved ones.

England: As a 14 year old, who had discovered and fallen in love with theater, Shakespeare and the band The Cure, all around the same time, I could often be found pretending I was British. So embarrassing. But, then again, being 14 was predominately embarrassing, so what can I say? Ever since then, it has been a dream of mine to visit the UK. For various reasons, though, I was never able to make this happen. Cue my late thirties and the realization that I really, really wanted to make this happen. And I did! I got to experience a little bit of London and a whole lot of the English countryside in Southwest Devon. It truly was one of the most nourishing trips I’ve ever taken. I hope to go back again.

Turning 40: It is such a milestone and there are so many expectations around turning 40. I felt almost ready to embrace the whole thing, when the power of turning 40 reached out and grabbed me. There was and is no turning back. I have been in awe of this number and this age. I have come into my own skin and found an unforeseen confidence in my own body and its wisdom. I wish I could say that turning 40 has been easy. It hasn’t. But with the struggle to come to terms with my age has come the inner power of self-knowledge and self-respect. Priceless rites of passage, I believe.

Leaving my teacher: In June, I decided to take a break from my Zen Teacher, and ultimately to no longer practice with him. For those who have never worked with a spiritual teacher, this may seem like no big deal, but for me, it was a turbulent and painful process. I found myself forced to face my own trauma and pain and to really and truly own it. It…has not been fun. I have struggled with many, many doubts.  But in the struggle, I found my power. And it is a power that no one can take from me. It is a power that has been there all along and that I only thought I had given away. While I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone, I am grateful for the opportunity to realize my own agency and the opportunity for transformation. I do wish that for everyone.

Yoga & Craniosacral work: With my Zen practice in a kind of chaos last year, I found much healing and stability in my yoga practice and in Craniosacral therapy. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to reconnect with our bodies. In our society, we tend to walk around like lollipops, with all of our attention in our heads. We have forgotten our bodies. It is amazing to discover how much wisdom already resides within us.  

User Experience & Design: Upon completing an intense 90+ hour training in User Experience Design in 2016, I was reluctant to call myself a Designer. But my Design mentor, Sadok, did it for me and reminded me that when you practice Design, you are a Designer, even if its not your official job title. Okay then! But I might emphasize that I am a Designer in training and always will be. But that’s what I find so incredible about this path - there is so much to learn. A whole new world has opened up for me.

I saved a lot of plants: My back patio is rather packed at the moment. Mainly because I see people leaving perfectly wonderful potted plants by the dumpster and it horrifies me. So I take them in and do my best to take care of them. My favorite: a flowering maple that is now bursting with little red flowers.

Tassajara: In July, I took a short trip to Tassajara Zen Mountain Center for a yoga retreat. Tassajara is a powerful place. That’s the only way I can say it. I go there knowing that anything I am trying to hide from, will be revealed to me. And that was indeed my experience again there, although, this time around I felt tender enough to receive what Tassajara had to offer. I savored the delicious food and enjoyed soaking in the hot springs, staring up at the half moon and the night sky.

Baking: Baking is life! Just kidding. But in a way, I’m not. While I have to be careful and mindful about the food I eat, nothing brings me joy like baking for family and friends. And I did a lot of that this year. Even making baked goods and giving them as gifts for Christmas.

Hiking: I am a wee bit obsessed with the Marin Headlands. I could spend countless hours hiking the trails there. And I have.  There is nothing quite like being out on a trail, breathing in the sea air and being calmed by a walk through a grove of Eucalyptus trees. It is not where I live, but oddly enough, it is where I feel most at home.

What I’m listening to: First Light by Balmorhea

Accomplishing nothing

It has hit me once again that Zen is not an improvement project. I so resist this. I really want to believe that Zen meditation and mindfulness will make me a happier and improved version of myself (don’t all the magazines say so?). I feel I’ve become less anxious, less hyper-vigilant and I’ve definitely matured. But am I a better person? I think, no. And I’ve been at this for like 8 years (baby years in the Zen world). So, there ya go. My full endorsement! Practice meditation. Accomplish nothing. Which, I just absolutely love, by the way. Because, accomplishing nothing, in a culture that is always trying to commodify your energy and attention, is radical and amazing.  

And ok, there is some kind of accomplishment there. One could argue. After all, would I really keep coming back to staring at a wall over and over again, for…nothing? Maybe! There is something kind of hilarious about that… (Person of Interest: So, Robin, what were you up to for the last half hour? Me: I stared at a wall and attempted to follow the rising and passing of phenomena! Person of Interest: Slowly backs away.) But, ok, if I were forced to say that I’ve accomplished something, it would have to be the slow and gradual release of this very tight grip I’ve had on my life (a.k.a. this crazy and very delusional idea that I can control everything). Important to note - I still really haven’t accomplished this (see mention of resistance in first paragraph). I probably never will. So it’s a good thing I like this practice and I’m in it for the long haul.

(What I'm listening to right now: Washed Out: Floating By)

40

I’ve been intending to write a blog post about turning 40 for months now, but every time I sat down to write it, I cringed. I mean, what could I possibly say that hasn’t already been said? Many of the lovely folks who are older than me say, oh 40 is so young! And some of the lovely people in my life who are not yet 40 seem to get this funny look in their eyes like they want to run away immediately, change the subject or go jump off a cliff or something. Anything to avoid talking about turning 40 (because, many young people think it isn’t really going to happen to them. I know, because I clung to 39 like Kanye West clings to his own self-importance. Side note: did you know Kanye also turned 40 this year?).  

At dinner a few months ago, some friends asked me what my intentions were for the next decade. What a question! I wasn’t sure I had any intentions, but I did offer a reflection. And that is, I’ve come to believe that marriage and children, while they are totally and completely wonderful and fine, are not necessary for a happy life. I realize that statement could very well sound hollow and trite. But, having already gone through some of the gut-wrenching grief of not getting married and not having children, I can say it with sincerity and without the least bit of cynicism. Because there is also room in my life for marriage and children, should that come to pass. It’s not like I’m taking on some new identity that I want to declare to the world and that be it. I don’t feel the need to hold this reflection up as some ideal way to live, because it’s not for everyone. I do feel the need to say it though, because there is this myth going around in our culture that marriage and children are the end all be all of a happy existence, especially if you’re a woman (and a woman of a certain age, at that), and it’s just not true.

What people don’t tell you: both can be true. Marriage and children can enrich your life. Not being married and not having children can also enrich your life. One way of living does not negate the other. Why some people still insist that it has to be one way is beyond me, but maybe they are only speaking out of fear. Trust me, there are worse things in life than being alone.

What I’m more interested in as I enter my fourth decade on this planet: Can I be a compassionate human being? Can I accept that I am capable of harming others and still cultivate peace, in all my actions, as best I can? I would sincerely like to do this. I would like to learn how to be a fiercely compassionate human being above all else.

Self Portrait

It doesn't interest me if there is one God
or many gods.
I want to know if you belong or feel
abandoned.
If you know despair or can see it in others.
I want to know
if you are prepared to live in the world
with its harsh need
to change you. If you can look back
with firm eyes
saying this is where I stand. I want to know
if you know
how to melt into that fierce heat of living
falling toward
the center of your longing. I want to know
if you are willing
to live, day by day, with the consequence of love
and the bitter
unwanted passion of your sure defeat.

I have heard, in that fierce embrace, even
the gods speak of God.

- David Whyte, Fire in the Earth

(What I'm listening to right now: Naaz - Words)