Often times I hear surprise when I tell people how old I am (I'm 35).
They say, wow, you look a lot younger than that. Which always trips me up. I don't know how to respond other than to say, thank you. I like to be honest about my age, so having someone comment on the way I look always makes me feel a bit uneasy (What exactly is 35 supposed to look like??).
Despite trying to be honest, though, I find myself buying into a lot of ridiculous beliefs about my age. For example, I tried looking into buying a condo earlier this year, because, I thought, well, I'm 35, I should probably settle down. Right? I couldn't do it. I could feel my body tensing with each search. I didn't feel excited. I felt...like a big NO was heading straight towards me and threatening to crash down on the (beautiful) little balcony of my rented apartment.
So, no to settling down then. Okay. Got it.
Then, what is it I should do?
I've been feeling out these shoulds. Should I get married? Should I have kids? Should I move to a different city? Should I buy Canon or Nikon? Should I eat this delicious piece of cake over here or that unripe banana over there? Should I buy yet another striped shirt?
All very valid questions. But all these questions make me want to do is rip off my clothes and go running through the streets waving my hands in the air.
But, seriously...what am I doing?
I don't know. I'm on an uncharted path. I don't even know what map I'm supposed to use or if there even is one. I'm a little scared. There are all these shoulds I was "supposed" to take care of and I haven't.
It all makes me feel a bit anxious.
And yet, I do not get a resounding NO to this. In fact, all I get is a resounding YES. Yes to feeling anxious. Yes to being 35 and feeling scared. Yes to not knowing.
There's something about this yes...an acceptance, an opening and an adventure maybe? And...a burgeoning unconditional love, for whatever happens. Something I am only now truly beginning to understand.
Currently loving this...Feel the Love by Rudimental