Some day

I go through waves. Of wanting and not wanting. Caring and not caring. For much of my adult life I have stated that I do not want kids. Maybe some day, I thought. When I'm older or when I'm established or when the time is right. Well, I am older now (and apparently should have had kids when I was 25).

So, sometimes I am overcome by the grief of realizing that I may never have children and I break down. Other times I am settled and okay with it.

Despite this realization, I am actually really happy with everything I am doing in my life right now. I am stoked that I get to participate in an intensive training program in meditation at The Interdependence Project and travel to New York six times out of the year (!). I get to do all kinds of fabulous things that get me fired up every morning. My life is full and fragrant and bursting.

But there is a part of me that feels increasingly disconnected from other women and this eats at me. Even the earth is referred to as a mother. Where does that leave me? If I am not a mother am I still not a woman? If I am not passing on my DNA, does that make me expendable?

Please don't get me wrong. I have an enormous amount of respect for what some of my friends go through every day. From what I can tell, being a parent looks like one of the most difficult and disgusting jobs in the world. Seriously.

I only wish there was a way for me to make peace with these questions.

Maybe one day.

In the City

I was lost. Somehow I had ended up on the other side of lower Manhattan, staring across the water at New Jersey. Which is never right. I looked down at the map on my phone one more time and felt my stomach flip. Tied up in knots and anxious about my first day of training at The Interdependence Project, I had walked in the opposite direction from where I was supposed to be.

Whoops.

So, I was a little late. But it was okay. A wise man (my Zen teacher) once told me that nervousness is simply another expression of excitement. If that is true, then, I was indeed very excited.

Just in case I have been at all vague about this training I am doing, allow me to elaborate a little bit. I am currently enrolled in the Yearlong Immersion and Instructor Training program at The Interdependence Project in New York City. Which means, I am deepening my meditation practice and my knowledge of Buddhism, as well as, gaining the skills necessary to teach and facilitate meditation (not to mention, meeting a bunch of awesome people who like to nerd out just like me). No small feat! But it is something very near and dear to my heart. I'll get the opportunity to travel here five more times throughout the year to further my training.

Oh, darn...

Chinatown

Brooklyn

The Interdependence Project

View of Manhattan

Lower Manhattan

Don't forget

When Thich Nhat Hanh visited the San Francisco Zen Center, he found the students there devoted and disciplined. When asked for his guidance on their practice, he replied, "You should get up a little later each morning... and you should smile more."

Don't forget to smile.

(This totally makes me smile.)

(So does this. Below: a photo walk around the Austin Zen Center)

Two is a magic number

Sometimes, my enthusiasm gets me into trouble. Like right now. I had every intention of putting the fun back in my photography by taking this online class (Intuitive Lens!), but instead, I am feeling a wee bit overwhelmed.

It's okay though. I'm going to start where I am. And right now, well, that is at the very beginning.

So, let me share with you one of the first prompts (I hope that's okay...), because it really got me thinking and I thought it might get you thinking too. Or, better, yet - feeling.

We have been asked to choose two of our favorite photographs taken by other people and think about why we like them. Then, choose two of our own photographs and think about why we like those. Are you with me?

Okay. So, here goes. First up - my two favorite photographs by other people.

1) This photo from Tibet by Shinya Arimoto. Honestly, I love all of his work, but this one is one of my favorites. It is an ordinary moment. Simple and honest. I love, love, love the light in this photo and the fact that it's black and white. If you get a chance, I highly recommend checking out his portraits. You won't regret it.

2) This photo of a three legged coyote from photographer Kevin Russ. The fact that the coyote is looking straight into the camera haunts me. I love it. Again, it appears to be an ordinary moment and yet there is almost a magical feel to this photo. All sorts of questions come up: What happened to that coyote's leg? Why is he just standing there? What happened to those trees behind him? I'll never know...

Now. Two of my favorite photos from my own work.

This first photograph happened completely by accident. I was photographing flowers at the Austin Botanical Gardens and decided to get some shots of the old log cabin replica that is built there. I peaked inside with my camera and a young girl appeared in the window, looking in. I love her curiosity and of course, the light. But I also love that it is a young, modern girl peering into the (reconstructed) past.

This second photo is from Boulder, Colorado. What I love about this is the feeling of being on the ground, inbetween the flowers. And I was, literally. To me, it is calm and reminds me of being a little kid, with nothing to do but pick dandelions and stare up at the clouds all day.

What about you? Do you have any favorite photographs? What is it you like about them? What do they evoke in you?

Awesomeness ahead

In the wee hours of the first morning of 2013, I awoke to the sound of an owl hooting softly outside my window. At the time, I thought, well that's interesting and strange and then rolled back over. Later, I thought, oh, maybe it's an omen! But is it a good omen? Or is it a bad omen? I couldn't remember the symbolism... Are owls messengers of death or of wisdom? And then I thought, oh hell, sometimes an owl is just an owl.

Either way, it's an indication to me that big changes are coming (but then again, life is nothing but change, so this conclusion is hardly insightful. See, I'm onto you, you psychics and palm readers...).

So, to prepare for all this awesomeness ahead, I am dedicating the month of January to photography. And also, because, well, I am taking an online class called Intuitive Lens through Squam Workshops and I want to share all the fun photos I'll be creating.

Oh yes, that's right: fun. I am determined to put the fun back in photography. At some point last year I got way too serious about photography and found that I was no longer enjoying it as much as I used to. Which sucks! I want less suck. Thus, my intention to create more fun. Yay!

Speaking of intentions... instead of resolutions, I like to set intentions for the year ahead. One of my first intentions this year, of course, as you already know, is to create more fun. But I also wish to open my heart just a little bit more, go on many adventures and deepen my meditation practice. Exciting, no?

What are your intentions for the year ahead?

Below: some photos from my holidaze using the VSCO Cam app on my iphone. I'm still getting used to it, but so far I'm really liking it.

One word

Reverb 2012: Encapsulate the year 2012 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2013 for you?

Nourish. This was the word I chose last year looking ahead to 2012. I hoped that 2012 would be about finding and giving nourishment.

So, has it been nourishing? Oh hell yes. More than I could have ever hoped. I found nourishment in my many travels throughout the year, in reconnecting with old friends and in meeting new ones.

Also, my meditation practice blossomed. So much so, that I decided to put off any thoughts of moving (my heart still aches for you San Francisco...) and apply for the 2013 Immersion and Instructor Training program at The Interdependence Project in New York City(!!).

But something else happened this year that I am at a loss to explain. While I feel increasingly nourished, I feel less and less inclined to write and I don't know what that's about. I feel huge changes on the horizon and I don't know how to write about that. Or if I even want to. Which is not like me at all. I used to rush to put pen to paper. Words used to fill up my head like water and come spilling out, with me barely able to get them all down.

Lately, though, I long for privacy and for a sacred place that is not public. Or at least, not on the internet. This is what my meditation practice has become. It is a sacred place that is, oddly enough, not really any place at all. I wish I could properly express how this practice has unravelled me and how grateful I am. I don't think I'm going to do it justice here. It's hard to express in words and it's even harder for me to not get teared up thinking about it.

Next year, I will continue this marvelous unfolding. I hope to find the courage to write about it. I hope to post lots of photos and to share with you all the ups and downs of this crazy adventure I'm about to embark upon. I guess we'll see, no?

The word for 2013?

Unknown.

On being radical

 

"I am larger and better than I thought.
I did not think I held so much goodness."

Walt Whitman

Reverb 2012: Best book you read in 2012. Describe its impact on you.

This is usually a tough one. I mean, really - the best book from the year 2012? But, after asking myself this question, I knew immediately which book I wanted to write about.

By far, the best book I read in 2012 was Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. I could not have picked a better book to read as I braced myself for my 35th birthday. It split my heart open in the gentlest and most touching ways.

The most touching came in the form of a simple suggestion - a gesture. Whenever you experience pain or confusion, place your hand over your heart and tell yourself, I care about this suffering.

Think about that for a second. Imagine, instead of criticizing yourself or trying to push all your emotions down, you paused and simply acknowledged you were in pain? This simple act of acceptance and recognition has had a powerful impact on me. I've used this gesture numerous times when I've found myself lost in confusion or when I've experienced a particularly painful emotion. It is what Tara calls, radical acceptance - an unconditional and loving presence to whatever is happening in that moment.

What's even more amazing about this gesture, is that when I acknowledge my own pain, I begin to connect more deeply with the pain of others. I realize, I am not alone. What has gradually unfolded (and is still unfolding) is compassion and a deep sense of belonging. Something, despite all our fear and cynicism, I think we all long for. 

Tara Talks: This Moment Counts from Tara Brach on Vimeo.

Little moments at large

Reverb 2012: What unexpected moment, person or experience surprised you and touched you deeply this year?

What didn't touch me this year? So many full and beautiful moments, I can't even count them. What an amazing surprise. Of course, there were painful moments. But in their own sharp way, they were beautiful too. I wouldn't take a second back.

Here are a just a few moments from 2012 that touched me deeply this year:

My Mema, turning 100.

Waking up in a small cozy room at the San Francisco Zen Center and hearing the morning chanting through the half-opened window.

Being surprised by a snake, getting caught in a mountain thunderstorm and seeing a double rainbow while in Boulder, Colorado for the Buddhist Geeks conference.

Seeing my friend Suzy twice in one year!

Ice cream at Lick. All summer. And in December.

Walking on the beach with my sister in Port Aransas, Texas.

Receiving the Buddhist Precepts in the Jukai Ceremony at Austin Zen Center (photo by Jori Taylor).

What moment(s), person or experience surprised you and touched you deeply this year?

Into the trees

Reverb 2012: Photo. A present to yourself. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

In early April, I found myself in a tree. But not just any tree. I was in a redwood tree in the middle of Muir Woods. Our guide, Tom, offered to take photos. Seizing the moment, I handed him my iphone and he snapped away. My mouth was numb from the chilly air and my limbs felt stiff and unmoveable. But I was completely happy and it was exactly how I wanted to remember my trip to see these beautful trees. So, I lifted my arms and smiled.

Throughout my life, I've found solace from being around trees. In my dreams and in difficult times, these mysterious creatures have brought me an incredible amount of peace. In a lot of ways, I strive to be like them - grounded, rooted, soft but firm, reaching up and out with flexibility and tenderness into the air around them. So much strength and tenderness in trees.

Thinking about your year...what photo would you choose?

(thinking about trees and I can't get this song out of my head...Optimist by Zoe Keating)

Reverb 2012

It's that time again. Reverb time.

Reverb was a term (and an ebook) coined by the lovely Gwen Bell a few years ago. She started a wave of bloggers reflecting on the past year and looking ahead into the future. I was one of those - and still am!

So, starting next week, I'll reverb once again, reflecting on 2012 and my aspirations for 2013 by responding to a different prompt each week. It is my hope that my reflections will help others think back on the past year and on their aspirations for the future too. The process can be an incredibly eye (and heart) opening experience. Feel free to post your own reverbs if the prompt for that week inspires you (and let me know so I can read it!).

In the meantime... I'll share with you some photos I took from a recent day trip to Fredericksburg, Texas with my mom and sis. Fredericksburg is a charming Hill Country town nestled between miles and miles of vineyards. We enjoyed lunch and a nice leisurely stroll before heading over to Hilmy Wine for a little tasting. Delish. We each walked away with a bottle. I walked away with a red (The Temp 2011 - a blend of tempranillo, mourvedre, sangiovese & carignan...yummy).

(What I'm listening to these days: Monteverdi. I never realized how beautiful this was. I visited my Grandmother over Thanksgiving and asked her if she'd like me to send her any music - classical, she said. I got her this. I think she'll like it.)

Crunch time

It's crunch time. So, forgive me if this is short.

Two years ago I asked my Zen teacher if I could accept the Buddhist Precepts in a formal ceremony. He agreed and gave me the green light to start sewing a rakusu, a bib-like thingy that hangs from the neck and is patched together.

Okay, so it doesn't always take two years...I just, uh, took my time. But now, time is up and I will be participating in the ceremony, what's called Jukai, in just a few short weeks with three of my other fellow sewers.

I'm super excited. I will probably cry. Sewing (almost) every Monday night for the past two years has been frustrating at times (if you really want to learn patience, I recommend you sew intensively for a good month or so and then go back and rip all the thread out when you realize you've made a mistake), but mostly joyful. I've bonded with my fellow sewers and we've shared a lot of nerdy jokes, cookies and belly laughs.

Now, we will share a ceremony. It's going to be awesome.

Hurricane Sandy

Hurricane Sandy is the worst storm ever to strike the Eastern Seaboard in recorded history. The high winds and widespread flooding may have subsided, but in many areas, people are still struggling to regain some sense of normalcy and simply process the devastation. This is not a guess on my part. I am seeing and hearing it - from the nonprofits I work with every day to friends living on the East Coast.

If you haven't had a chance yet, please consider volunteering to help with relief efforts or if you are not in the area, consider a financial contribution.

Some highly credible organizations that I personally recommend:

American Red Cross
Direct Relief International
Feeding America
Miriam's Kitchen

Other ways to help:

How to Help from the Huffington Post
Zona Foto - Save The Jersey Shore

Heartbursting

“The difference between misery and happiness depends on what we do with our attention”

 - Sharon Salzberg

In the middle of a weekend meditation retreat, at the end of a long day, my Zen teacher said to me,

"You know, people are really beautiful."

I looked down at the ground, thinking about this. I was carrying a large cushion and couldn't see my feet. I understood completely, but didn't know how to respond. It felt like a secret was being shared. A secret everyone knows, but no one talks about. After a short pause, I replied,

"Yes, but we often don't see it."

He nodded. Something about the moment made me feel incredibly sad. And yet I had never experienced more energy pulsing through my heart. By the end of the retreat, my heart was bursting and I wanted to hug everyone. I simply couldn't help myself. I felt and continue to feel such an enormous gratitude that it has brought me to tears more times than I'd like to admit in the past couple of weeks.

("Sometimes we feel like Clark Kent, and sometimes, if we are lucky, we feel like Superman." - Christopher Reeves)

Party Animals

What's better than a regular 'ol birthday party? A birthday party at the zoo!

I was recently asked by my friend Jori to take some photographs of her (adorable) daughter's 2nd birthday party at the Austin Zoo and Animal Sanctuary, a non-profit organization that cares for domestic and exotic animals that have been rescued or abandoned by their owners.

While I want to be sensitive to the parents and not share photographs of the kiddos here, I would love to introduce you to a few of the animals I met. Except, that is...for the lions and tigers. Honestly, they give me the willies and I have a very physical reaction to their presence. Namely, fear. So, uh...no big cats.

Instead...hungry goats, a sweet llama, roosters, a peacock and a plump little pig.

(And a fun song I've been listening to... Love Is All I Got)

Photography & Politics

Me, February 4, 2007, Falls Church, Virginia, the day I received my Master's Degree of Political Science in the mail.

This political season has me feeling incredibly nostalgic - and a bit fired up. I'm feeling inspired again, which scares me. The last time I felt inspired, I moved myself to DC and ended up getting a degree in Political Science, not anticipating the heartache or the disillusionment that would bring (not to sound too dramatic).

Fall down seven times, get back up eight, my Zen teacher reminded me. Maybe it's time for me to get back up...

In April of next year, I'll be attending my first photography workshop doing documentary photography for nonprofits - in New Orleans (!). I spent weeks deliberating on whether or not I should do it. What if I'm no good, I thought? What if I suck? But then I thought, fuck it. Why not? I love photography and I love working with nonprofits. I will simply do my best.

So, I signed up. And...just in case, registered for two additional photography classes between now and April. As the photographer, Christina Mittermeier says, you should know your camera so well that you are able to shoot with your camera blindfolded.

I'll see how it goes.

(A little inspiration...You Become What You Focus On)

We're all beginners here

In two weeks I'll be teaching a class. The subject? Beginning the Path of Zen. A subject very near and dear to my heart.

I am both terrified and exhilarated. But I love beginners. And I love teaching meditation.

I have come to feel that nothing is more important than understanding our own minds and knowing who we really are. And yet, it is so rarely talked about - taboo even. Why is that?

In the first year I started practicing, my stomach flip-flopped every time I got in the car to drive to the Zen Center. I could barely face myself. I couldn't sit still without fear creeping up my spine. The sound of the bell to end meditation petrified me. I hated being a beginner. I wanted to know everything and I wanted to know how to do everything exactly right all the time, so that I wouldn't stick out. I was convinced that terrible things lay in store for me the moment I messed up.

But a surprising thing happened... Nothing. Nothing happened. No one criticized me. No one yelled at me. No one called me out and said, HEY YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG. Nope. Never. Whenever I did make a mistake, it was rarely acknowledged and if it was, it was usually met with a soft glance or a helpful word or two.

Which really freaked me out. But in a good way. I softened. I started to relax. And I started paying attention.

I think that's at the heart of what I want to teach in this class - how to begin paying attention.

It's a lot more difficult than I ever imagined...

Curious about Zen? Ask me a question.

(Currently loving How the Day Sounds by Greg Laswell. Plus, I can't resist a man in a nice hat.)

To ink or not to ink?

Tattoos. Seems like everyone has one (or two or three) nowadays.

Except me.

My twin sister has a lot of them. A lot. I have zero. It's kind of a running joke between us. Every so often I try to convince her that I've finally decided to break down and get one - a tree of life or an eternity snake or something like that. She believes me for maybe 5 seconds and then smiles and rolls her eyes.

It's not that I'm afraid of getting a bad tattoo. I live in Austin after all - one of the top ten most tattooed cities in the US (not to mention friends who do awesome work). It's just that, I don't really want one. Which makes me feel a wee bit uncool in these here parts. But, ah well.

Temporary tattoos on the other hand... Now these are much more my style.

What about you? Do you have any tattoos? What do you think about them?

Feel the love

Often times I hear surprise when I tell people how old I am (I'm 35).

They say, wow, you look a lot younger than that. Which always trips me up. I don't know how to respond other than to say, thank you. I like to be honest about my age, so having someone comment on the way I look always makes me feel a bit uneasy (What exactly is 35 supposed to look like??).

Despite trying to be honest, though, I find myself buying into a lot of ridiculous beliefs about my age. For example, I tried looking into buying a condo earlier this year, because, I thought, well, I'm 35, I should probably settle down. Right? I couldn't do it. I could feel my body tensing with each search. I didn't feel excited. I felt...like a big NO was heading straight towards me and threatening to crash down on the (beautiful) little balcony of my rented apartment.

So, no to settling down then. Okay. Got it.

Then, what is it I should do?

I've been feeling out these shoulds. Should I get married? Should I have kids? Should I move to a different city? Should I buy Canon or Nikon? Should I eat this delicious piece of cake over here or that unripe banana over there? Should I buy yet another striped shirt?

All very valid questions. But all these questions make me want to do is rip off my clothes and go running through the streets waving my hands in the air.

But, seriously...what am I doing?

I don't know. I'm on an uncharted path. I don't even know what map I'm supposed to use or if there even is one. I'm a little scared. There are all these shoulds I was "supposed" to take care of and I haven't.

It all makes me feel a bit anxious.

And yet, I do not get a resounding NO to this. In fact, all I get is a resounding YES. Yes to feeling anxious. Yes to being 35 and feeling scared. Yes to not knowing.

There's something about this yes...an acceptance, an opening and an adventure maybe? And...a burgeoning unconditional love, for whatever happens. Something I am only now truly beginning to understand.

Currently loving this...Feel the Love by Rudimental

To the beach!

What does one take to the beach? I had completely forgotten and didn't know how to plan. I hadn't been to the beach in years. But it didn't matter. Turns out I way overpacked and didn't even use the bath towel I sort of thought might pass as a beach towel.

What I should have planned for was the sand. Everywhere. Not that I minded really. In fact, my feet have never been softer! But I think if I had to live with it on a daily basis, I'd probably go nuts.

Still, it felt incredible to sink my feet into the ocean and to breathe the salty air. Everytime my sister and I walked along the beach I wanted to linger for as long as possible. There's just something otherworldy about the ocean. Growing up surrounded by flat land as far as the eye can see, the ocean simply feels like another planet.

I ended up taking a lot of photos. I got a little crazy using my digital SLR, my iphone and a new little Diana Mini I purchased from the Austin Lomography store. It was incredibly fun, but by the end of the trip my cameras felt overwhelming. On our last day, I asked my sister if we could return to the beach one last time, but this time without our phones or any cameras. She agreed but asked, are you sure you can do that? I was positive.

I have no record of our last day in Port Aransas. But that's okay. It was just what I needed.

Going all the way

My favorite lens is broken. This has been challenging. I'm too stubborn to replace it with the kit lens and I don't want to send it off to be repaired...just yet.

So, I'm using the manual focus. And it's not too bad. I had forgotten what it felt like. It's weird, but it has inspired me to go all the way. All the way manual, that is. Eek!

I'm bracketing like crazy and taking more photos than I normally would. This has resulted in A LOT of bad photos. And just a few really good ones. But I'm okay with that. Even getting one good shot makes everything else worth it. Maybe that sounds nutty. But when you see the shot and you just know - this is it - and it actually comes out? That is magic.

Below - some of my favorite shots from the Labor Day cookout at Austin Zen Center.