Into the trees

Reverb 2012: Photo. A present to yourself. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

In early April, I found myself in a tree. But not just any tree. I was in a redwood tree in the middle of Muir Woods. Our guide, Tom, offered to take photos. Seizing the moment, I handed him my iphone and he snapped away. My mouth was numb from the chilly air and my limbs felt stiff and unmoveable. But I was completely happy and it was exactly how I wanted to remember my trip to see these beautful trees. So, I lifted my arms and smiled.

Throughout my life, I've found solace from being around trees. In my dreams and in difficult times, these mysterious creatures have brought me an incredible amount of peace. In a lot of ways, I strive to be like them - grounded, rooted, soft but firm, reaching up and out with flexibility and tenderness into the air around them. So much strength and tenderness in trees.

Thinking about your year...what photo would you choose?

(thinking about trees and I can't get this song out of my head...Optimist by Zoe Keating)

Reverb 2012

It's that time again. Reverb time.

Reverb was a term (and an ebook) coined by the lovely Gwen Bell a few years ago. She started a wave of bloggers reflecting on the past year and looking ahead into the future. I was one of those - and still am!

So, starting next week, I'll reverb once again, reflecting on 2012 and my aspirations for 2013 by responding to a different prompt each week. It is my hope that my reflections will help others think back on the past year and on their aspirations for the future too. The process can be an incredibly eye (and heart) opening experience. Feel free to post your own reverbs if the prompt for that week inspires you (and let me know so I can read it!).

In the meantime... I'll share with you some photos I took from a recent day trip to Fredericksburg, Texas with my mom and sis. Fredericksburg is a charming Hill Country town nestled between miles and miles of vineyards. We enjoyed lunch and a nice leisurely stroll before heading over to Hilmy Wine for a little tasting. Delish. We each walked away with a bottle. I walked away with a red (The Temp 2011 - a blend of tempranillo, mourvedre, sangiovese & carignan...yummy).

(What I'm listening to these days: Monteverdi. I never realized how beautiful this was. I visited my Grandmother over Thanksgiving and asked her if she'd like me to send her any music - classical, she said. I got her this. I think she'll like it.)

Crunch time

It's crunch time. So, forgive me if this is short.

Two years ago I asked my Zen teacher if I could accept the Buddhist Precepts in a formal ceremony. He agreed and gave me the green light to start sewing a rakusu, a bib-like thingy that hangs from the neck and is patched together.

Okay, so it doesn't always take two years...I just, uh, took my time. But now, time is up and I will be participating in the ceremony, what's called Jukai, in just a few short weeks with three of my other fellow sewers.

I'm super excited. I will probably cry. Sewing (almost) every Monday night for the past two years has been frustrating at times (if you really want to learn patience, I recommend you sew intensively for a good month or so and then go back and rip all the thread out when you realize you've made a mistake), but mostly joyful. I've bonded with my fellow sewers and we've shared a lot of nerdy jokes, cookies and belly laughs.

Now, we will share a ceremony. It's going to be awesome.

Hurricane Sandy

Hurricane Sandy is the worst storm ever to strike the Eastern Seaboard in recorded history. The high winds and widespread flooding may have subsided, but in many areas, people are still struggling to regain some sense of normalcy and simply process the devastation. This is not a guess on my part. I am seeing and hearing it - from the nonprofits I work with every day to friends living on the East Coast.

If you haven't had a chance yet, please consider volunteering to help with relief efforts or if you are not in the area, consider a financial contribution.

Some highly credible organizations that I personally recommend:

American Red Cross
Direct Relief International
Feeding America
Miriam's Kitchen

Other ways to help:

How to Help from the Huffington Post
Zona Foto - Save The Jersey Shore

Heartbursting

 

“The difference between misery and happiness depends on what we do with our attention”

 - Sharon Salzberg

In the middle of a weekend meditation retreat, at the end of a long day, my Zen teacher said to me,

"You know, people are really beautiful."

I looked down at the ground, thinking about this. I was carrying a large cushion and couldn't see my feet. I understood completely, but didn't know how to respond. It felt like a secret was being shared. A secret everyone knows, but no one talks about. After a short pause, I replied,

"Yes, but we often don't see it."

He nodded. Something about the moment made me feel incredibly sad. And yet I had never experienced more energy pulsing through my heart. By the end of the retreat, my heart was bursting and I wanted to hug everyone. I simply couldn't help myself. I felt and continue to feel such an enormous gratitude that it has brought me to tears more times than I'd like to admit in the past couple of weeks.

("Sometimes we feel like Clark Kent, and sometimes, if we are lucky, we feel like Superman." - Christopher Reeves)

Party Animals

What's better than a regular 'ol birthday party? A birthday party at the zoo!

I was recently asked by my friend Jori to take some photographs of her (adorable) daughter's 2nd birthday party at the Austin Zoo and Animal Sanctuary, a non-profit organization that cares for domestic and exotic animals that have been rescued or abandoned by their owners.

While I want to be sensitive to the parents and not share photographs of the kiddos here, I would love to introduce you to a few of the animals I met. Except, that is...for the lions and tigers. Honestly, they give me the willies and I have a very physical reaction to their presence. Namely, fear. So, uh...no big cats.

Instead...hungry goats, a sweet llama, roosters, a peacock and a plump little pig.

(And a fun song I've been listening to... Love Is All I Got)

Photography & Politics

Me, February 4, 2007, Falls Church, Virginia, the day I received my Master's Degree of Political Science in the mail.

This political season has me feeling incredibly nostalgic - and a bit fired up. I'm feeling inspired again, which scares me. The last time I felt inspired, I moved myself to DC and ended up getting a degree in Political Science, not anticipating the heartache or the disillusionment that would bring (not to sound too dramatic).

Fall down seven times, get back up eight, my Zen teacher reminded me. Maybe it's time for me to get back up...

In April of next year, I'll be attending my first photography workshop doing documentary photography for nonprofits - in New Orleans (!). I spent weeks deliberating on whether or not I should do it. What if I'm no good, I thought? What if I suck? But then I thought, fuck it. Why not? I love photography and I love working with nonprofits. I will simply do my best.

So, I signed up. And...just in case, registered for two additional photography classes between now and April. As the photographer, Christina Mittermeier says, you should know your camera so well that you are able to shoot with your camera blindfolded.

I'll see how it goes.

(A little inspiration...You Become What You Focus On)

We're all beginners here

In two weeks I'll be teaching a class. The subject? Beginning the Path of Zen. A subject very near and dear to my heart.

I am both terrified and exhilarated. But I love beginners. And I love teaching meditation.

I have come to feel that nothing is more important than understanding our own minds and knowing who we really are. And yet, it is so rarely talked about - taboo even. Why is that?

In the first year I started practicing, my stomach flip-flopped every time I got in the car to drive to the Zen Center. I could barely face myself. I couldn't sit still without fear creeping up my spine. The sound of the bell to end meditation petrified me. I hated being a beginner. I wanted to know everything and I wanted to know how to do everything exactly right all the time, so that I wouldn't stick out. I was convinced that terrible things lay in store for me the moment I messed up.

But a surprising thing happened... Nothing. Nothing happened. No one criticized me. No one yelled at me. No one called me out and said, HEY YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG. Nope. Never. Whenever I did make a mistake, it was rarely acknowledged and if it was, it was usually met with a soft glance or a helpful word or two.

Which really freaked me out. But in a good way. I softened. I started to relax. And I started paying attention.

I think that's at the heart of what I want to teach in this class - how to begin paying attention.

It's a lot more difficult than I ever imagined...

Curious about Zen? Ask me a question.

(Currently loving How the Day Sounds by Greg Laswell. Plus, I can't resist a man in a nice hat.)

To ink or not to ink?

Tattoos. Seems like everyone has one (or two or three) nowadays.

Except me.

My twin sister has a lot of them. A lot. I have zero. It's kind of a running joke between us. Every so often I try to convince her that I've finally decided to break down and get one - a tree of life or an eternity snake or something like that. She believes me for maybe 5 seconds and then smiles and rolls her eyes.

It's not that I'm afraid of getting a bad tattoo. I live in Austin after all - one of the top ten most tattooed cities in the US (not to mention friends who do awesome work). It's just that, I don't really want one. Which makes me feel a wee bit uncool in these here parts. But, ah well.

Temporary tattoos on the other hand... Now these are much more my style.

What about you? Do you have any tattoos? What do you think about them?

Feel the love

Often times I hear surprise when I tell people how old I am (I'm 35).

They say, wow, you look a lot younger than that. Which always trips me up. I don't know how to respond other than to say, thank you. I like to be honest about my age, so having someone comment on the way I look always makes me feel a bit uneasy (What exactly is 35 supposed to look like??).

Despite trying to be honest, though, I find myself buying into a lot of ridiculous beliefs about my age. For example, I tried looking into buying a condo earlier this year, because, I thought, well, I'm 35, I should probably settle down. Right? I couldn't do it. I could feel my body tensing with each search. I didn't feel excited. I felt...like a big NO was heading straight towards me and threatening to crash down on the (beautiful) little balcony of my rented apartment.

So, no to settling down then. Okay. Got it.

Then, what is it I should do?

I've been feeling out these shoulds. Should I get married? Should I have kids? Should I move to a different city? Should I buy Canon or Nikon? Should I eat this delicious piece of cake over here or that unripe banana over there? Should I buy yet another striped shirt?

All very valid questions. But all these questions make me want to do is rip off my clothes and go running through the streets waving my hands in the air.

But, seriously...what am I doing?

I don't know. I'm on an uncharted path. I don't even know what map I'm supposed to use or if there even is one. I'm a little scared. There are all these shoulds I was "supposed" to take care of and I haven't.

It all makes me feel a bit anxious.

And yet, I do not get a resounding NO to this. In fact, all I get is a resounding YES. Yes to feeling anxious. Yes to being 35 and feeling scared. Yes to not knowing.

There's something about this yes...an acceptance, an opening and an adventure maybe? And...a burgeoning unconditional love, for whatever happens. Something I am only now truly beginning to understand.

Currently loving this...Feel the Love by Rudimental

To the beach!

What does one take to the beach? I had completely forgotten and didn't know how to plan. I hadn't been to the beach in years. But it didn't matter. Turns out I way overpacked and didn't even use the bath towel I sort of thought might pass as a beach towel.

What I should have planned for was the sand. Everywhere. Not that I minded really. In fact, my feet have never been softer! But I think if I had to live with it on a daily basis, I'd probably go nuts.

Still, it felt incredible to sink my feet into the ocean and to breathe the salty air. Everytime my sister and I walked along the beach I wanted to linger for as long as possible. There's just something otherworldy about the ocean. Growing up surrounded by flat land as far as the eye can see, the ocean simply feels like another planet.

I ended up taking a lot of photos. I got a little crazy using my digital SLR, my iphone and a new little Diana Mini I purchased from the Austin Lomography store. It was incredibly fun, but by the end of the trip my cameras felt overwhelming. On our last day, I asked my sister if we could return to the beach one last time, but this time without our phones or any cameras. She agreed but asked, are you sure you can do that? I was positive.

I have no record of our last day in Port Aransas. But that's okay. It was just what I needed.

Going all the way

My favorite lens is broken. This has been challenging. I'm too stubborn to replace it with the kit lens and I don't want to send it off to be repaired...just yet.

So, I'm using the manual focus. And it's not too bad. I had forgotten what it felt like. It's weird, but it has inspired me to go all the way. All the way manual, that is. Eek!

I'm bracketing like crazy and taking more photos than I normally would. This has resulted in A LOT of bad photos. And just a few really good ones. But I'm okay with that. Even getting one good shot makes everything else worth it. Maybe that sounds nutty. But when you see the shot and you just know - this is it - and it actually comes out? That is magic.

Below - some of my favorite shots from the Labor Day cookout at Austin Zen Center.

OMGCATS

Cats. Nature's joy. Sometimes, nature's pain in the ass. But mostly, joy.

I downloaded some new Photoshop actions recently from the fabulous Kim Miller (one of my favorite photographers - who also happens to share my affinity for cats!). Getting new Photoshop actions, for me, is like Christmas. I get super excited and I go thumbing through old photos to see what I can experiment with. To my surprise and delight I rediscovered some old-ish photos I took of the beloved cat, Miaoxin (pronounced Meow-shin...well, that's how I pronounce it...), one of the resident cats of Austin Zen Center.

Let me tell you. This cat is the bee's knees. Sweeeeeeet as honey. And a total ham. See below.

The importance of words

My father is dyslexic and didn't graduate high school. I am an avid reader with two degrees in the social sciences. The irony is not lost on me. In fact, my obsession with reading and my love of school was fueled partly by my father's encouragement and partly by my desire to understand the world - a world that I had no idea how to navigate.

Paris, 2002. I'm sitting in a cafe with my boyfriend. I'm excited and trying to express how important words are to me - how poetry and listening to the sound of words is like eating a meal or drinking red wine. He looks at me and laughs.

Poetry is a waste of time, he says, with no practical use whatsoever in the real world.

I am shocked and don't know how to respond. I look down into my coffee cup. I feel crushed. And because I am young, insecure, from a small town, female, you name it, I doubt what I say.

Many times growing up, I was accused of trying to escape my life by burying my head in books. I was told, in not so many words, by various people that, it was impractical, elitist, reclusive and anti-social. What I have failed to articulate until now is that books have catapulted me into my life, rather than allowed me to escape it. Books have opened my world, not narrowed it.

When I look back to moments like that time in Paris, I feel a huge amount of grief for ever having doubted my love of words - and myself. And I think about my father, who is sharper than a lot of people with college degrees, yet still struggles with birthday cards and text messages. And every time I go home to visit, I listen to him read the same poems by Hafiz and Hazrat Inayat Khan over and over again because he is so moved by them.

How important are words?

Portraits of people reading by Steve McCurry

Today it starts

My new yoga teacher had us shaking our bodies. To Aretha Franklin. To R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Whatever apprehensions I had about this place quickly evaporated and I began laughing.

Let go, she encouraged us. Exhale, so that you can make room for the next breath and the next moment.

It was just what I needed. I've been feeling incredibly serious lately. And incredibly sad, since my old yoga studio stopped teaching yoga classes and my favorite yoga teacher left to pursue a different career. Which I fully support, by the way. But still, I just...loved her.

Like most people, I am resistant to change. But it is inevitable. And vital.

Did you know, that the molecules in our bodies completely regenerate themselves every seven years? Being 35 years old, this means I've completely regenerated all of the cells in my body five times. Interesting, no?

So, if this is the case, then, who am I exactly? Who are you?

Something to think about...

Feel like dancing? I do! We Are Walking Out by Little Scout

Curious in Colorado

The sun beat down on our heads. This was the middle of August in northern Colorado, after all. But despite the heat, the air felt crisp.

"Soon, we'll have to start wearing sweatshirts again."

I couldn't tell if my friend Suzy was excited or reluctant as she said this. Living in Texas, it's hard to imagine wearing a sweatshirt in August or September or sometimes even October.

Still, I can't deny the subtle shift in the seasons. Summer feels like it is coming to a close. A lot is changing.

Which always makes me want to try to preserve my memories in words and photos. So, I'd love to share a few mementos from my trip to Colorado this summer.

On a side note, while I was attending the Buddhist Geeks conference in Boulder I ventured into capturing photos of people. This is scarier than simply taking photos of flowers, so I gave myself permission to simply start a conversation, without lifting my camera. I met some fascinating people this way. One of my favorite photographers, Peter Turnley, does this. His kind attention puts people at ease and his photographs always seem to emanate a sense of respect for the person being photographed. I hope to do this one day too. But in the meantime, I'll keep practicing - with both flowers, curiosity and personal conversation.

Kelsey and Dan, two of the sweetest people on the planet, made me breakfast at the Briar Rose Bed & Breakfast.

A gnome, hiding in a garden by the sidewalk. Boulder, Colorado

Bicycle love. Fort Collins, Colorado

Roses. Boulder, Colorado

Petting zoo. Fort Collins, Colorado

Tiny purple flowers. Boulder, Colorado

In the air

I sat down next to a guy with a broken arm.

"Oh gosh," I said, and pointed.

He smiled, shrugged his shoulders and asked, "Mind if I put the armrest down?"

"Not at all."

I leaned back, buckled my seatbelt and slid open the airplane window, flooding our seats with bright light. I looked back to see if anyone would protest, but no one noticed. Grateful, I turned back to the window to enjoy my favorite part: take-off.

In the air, I found myself completely and utterly content. Content like being at the beach on a warm summer day content. Content like that first glass of wine that makes your blood all warm and tingly content. So content, in fact, I scared myself with the thought that I could die at this moment and be perfectly okay with that.

Not that I really would be. I mean, can you imagine? Honestly, I'm pretty sure I'd be scared shitless if the plane decided to go down.

But it wasn't just that. The idea of me being content actually scared me. Me. Content. What the...? There are so many reasons not to be content. Trust me, I know them by heart. So much so that often times I end up feeling just...exhausted. At moments like these, I find that I don't have the energy to hold them all up. Nor do I want to.

As the plane descended into Denver, the guy with the broken arm leaned over and said, "Enjoy Boulder, it's beautiful."

"Thanks," I said. "Welcome home."

Who knew?

Apparently, I've been wearing the wrong sizes for years. Caught in my own habitual thinking, I've resisted wearing clothes that actually fit me. What a shock to realize, I've been going about this all wrong. What a delight to realize, hey, I have a figure.

I am gently teased for my obsession with stripes. They are pretty awesome. But I have to admit, that if I had better fashion sense, I'd probably wear polka dots, paisley (maybe), bright colors, mismatched colors, flowy blouses and strapless dresses. It's actually all a lot of fun. And only a wee bit intimidating.

What a joy to put on a dress and feel - alive. Is it really that dramatic, you ask? Yeah, it kind of is.

I've needed this. A breath of fresh air. To feel alive. To let go of an outdated sense of myself. And to simply wear a dress that fits.

And it's not really about the dress. You get that, right? Sometimes all it takes is a simple thing like trying on a dress to shine a light on my limited beliefs. It makes me wonder, what else do I believe about myself that's not true? Oh, the possibilities...

What I'm listening to right now - Washed Out. Heard this on my drive home and didn't want to stop the car. Simply lovely.

Don't be disturbed by your mind

How does one survive a meditation retreat?

Strong coffee. And lots of water.

This past weekend I participated in a meditation retreat with about 30 other individuals. The word "retreat," to me, seems a little misleading. It's not exactly a weekend at the spa by any stretch of the imagination. In this kind of retreat, you work with your mind, moment after relentless moment, and that can be messy, frustrating, confusing and incredibly exhausting.

But I am always struck by the amount of support I feel during a retreat. By my neighbors meditating silently beside me, by my teacher offering humor and encouraging words, by the bell ringer ringing the bells to let us know, hey, it's okay, you're okay now, this meditation perioid has ended, and by all the preparation it takes just to create a place for us to work with our minds and discover who we really are. All of this is incredible to me.

At the end, as we said goodbye to each other, I couldn't help it - the tears came. Damnit, I thought, why here, why now, in front of everyone? But what could I do? I wiped my eyes and my nose on my shirt and let them come. Oh well. I was a little bit of a mess and I was embarrassed, but it was okay.  

May you be happy.
May you be well.
May you be safe.
May you be peaceful and at ease.
May you be free from suffering.

May all beings be free from suffering.

Home

When I go home - to my hometown that is - there is a part of me that relaxes. I breathe in the smell of hay, I stare wide-eyed at the flatness of the earth (as if I hadn't seen it a hundred million times before) and I fall back into the sound of trains going by in the middle of the night.

A part of me also tenses. As soon as I've let home in, I pull back. I won't be staying and I know this. It is painful. Feeling totally at home and like a stranger, all at once. I can't resolve it. Maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe that's just how it is.

Was home ever meant to be in one place? I don't know.